Top Takes
The best of the best.
Invent a phobia the world actually needs a word for.
“Fear of the four words "we", "need", "to", and "talk" in that specific order on the best day of your life, uttered specifically by your father”
“Fear of making eye contact too soon or too late when walking down a hallway opposite someone you know”
“Pantscryptophobia is the irrational terror that your zipper has been completely down.”
Your autobiography is one chapter long. What's the chapter title?
“Navigating A Cornfield That's Actually Made Of Violent Stinging Bees That Activate When Touched - Standing Still To Avoid It For My Lifespan”
“The cylinder must remain unharmed”
“Getting a small cylinder (5.1in length, ~4.5in girth) unstuck from a mini M&Ms tube filled with butter and microwaved mashed banana”
What's the most chaotic thing to hand out on Halloween?
“Copies of your own divorce papers”
“normal candy, but you have to have a gladiator fight to see who gets the handful”
“one suspiciously razor scooter shaped homemade kitkat”
Invent a world record no one should attempt.
“Most consecutive hours spent trying to plug a USB drive in the right way on the first try.”
“Highest number of diseases cured (I want to motivate people with spite)”
“Most kidney donations from a single person”
Pitch a reality show that gets canceled after one episode.
“"WHO FARTED", a 72 hour experience, locked in a ford focus with a broken AC, 6 people, figure out who farted”
“Celebrity Organ Swap”
“"Man Versus Monkey: Who Dates Women Better?"”
Write the title of a self-help book that helps absolutely no one.
“They Had it Worse! : Ancestor Edition”
“Fundamentals of the Billionaire CEO Lifestyle For the Chronically Unemployed: Volume 2”
“got some problems? You wouldn't if you were rich. that'll be 50 bucks.”
Your car's check engine light can finally talk. What's it been meaning to say?
“If you don't get your oil change in the next 5 days I just might have to make THEM reach out about your car's extended warranty...”
“dude I died 3 years ago”
“your car is going to explode in: three… two… (no explosion)”