Top Takes
The best of the best.
You're the final boss of a very boring video game. What's your signature attack?
“Lengthy expository dialog before the fight, followed by "Would you like me to repeat that?" with the default option being 'Yes' for those who spam 'A'”
“Everytime the player gets hit, they have to go through the entire credits from beginning to end. This is every time.”
“Shackling the player to a chair and forcing them to read both the Privacy Policy AND the Terms and Conditions of 10 different games”
The town throws a parade in your honor and every float is slightly insulting. Describe the best one.
“A giant billboard of my slide in my high school's remote graduation video where it's revealed that I never showed up to have my picture taken.”
“things i forgot to do over the years and still haven't done”
“The looming balloon of 50 homework assignments due tomorrow for each of my six classes with a stamp saying "IT'S TOMORROW NOW"”
You inherit a lighthouse. What's the first thing you change?
“Paint it completely monochrome and start training the local crows to make ominous noises at newcomers.”
“Fog horn becomes a sound system that only plays the accordion”
“World's biggest candycane”
What's on the menu at a restaurant run entirely by toddlers?
“Apple juice that they spill on the way they bring it to you”
“The finest selection of Nerf footballs, rubber bouncy balls, and a mystery baggie for the daring”
“Lightly seared foie gras served on a toasted brioche (the toddlers are all trust fund babies and the restaurant is their dad's)”
Your dentist knows. What's the thing you both won't mention?
“Staring directly into each other's souls while their face is four inches from yours.”
“The nicotine pouch under my lip”
“the bruising at the back of my mouth, which means…”
What's the most cursed thing to see painted on a food truck?
“Unlike other restaurants, where they make food with Grandma's love, we keep it simple and make ours with Grandma's dentures!”
“The phrase "We do everything by the book" with a picture of the Necronomicon beside it.”
“Not responsible for damage to plumbing.”
Write your five-year plan, but make it honest.
“Open 273 more browser tabs and forget all of them.”
“1.save 5 dollars 2. get a friend 3. be kind (sometimes) 4. breathe 5. eat healthy (once a month)”
“Try NOT to have a net worth that doesn't get you ridiculed at the next family reunion”